The moment I walked through that door and saw you for the first time, you already had me with THAT look. Alert, shy, decisive, secretly wild – I unconsciously in that moment, wished you would give each of those parts of yourself to me. I wanted more and yet, I was tortured by the thought of even an ounce added on. And then, that moment happened again, and again, until I started to wonder if this was more than just a hyperactive, involuntarily celibate imagination? Because in these moments of my inexplicable vulnerability, I was sure that I was slightly senile, slightly energized, just like Superman in the sun… or something. But then this moment was always present in our infrequent interactions and I realized that, OI – you MAY have felt the same.
Now these “mutual feelings” or whatever inexplicable absurdities they were, were expressed in such short, silent nuances, almost silage; abstract in their present but so nostalgic before and after. Especially after. I admit, I would replay the precious seconds of the encounter; how I spoke, how you shyly and wonderfully clumsily responded. These moments, slowly led me to an event that I lightly assumed we could achieve, but obviously just in my head. Now, I use lightly liberally; I never thought you even were interested in my foolish clumsy jabber until I noticed you in your clumsy actions. I was captivated in ways that are obvious and yet, have led my mind slightly astray. And so I began to “read the signs” and follow the road I thought, we may be taking. This is why I use lightly. Being a young adult of my stature (more importantly, lack thereof), there is much to be learnt, and misconstruing slight awkwardness for mutual attraction after such a short time is slightly stupid in the least. I didn’t even feel like we would happen, like…
” WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT EVEN COMES CLOSE TO MAKING SENSE WOULD THIS BEAUTIFUL CREATURE BE INTERESTED IN YOU AND YOUR SELF DESTRUCTIVE, WEIRD, CONFUSED, NAPPY WAYS”.
Besides, I don’t even know your name. But, after Mary Lavelle, who knows, who fucking knows. And so, I somewhat lackadaisically began to fall for you… or something. And for a while I never saw you, but I could never forget, those moments were slightly electric in memory even when I was alone,
especially when I was all alone. I think I could have lived very joyously like this; it was all sexy mystery and no crushing truths. I was a blissful ignoramus. However, these things never happen the way I calculate or perceive and so, the chaff on my hungry desire would soon become a little more pronounced. It happened on a bright, lazy afternoon, and it just so happened to be her birthday; she and I had began to see similarities mirrored in the other – it wasn’t obvious, or discussed, but we knew it and slightly began to indulge it. I thought her interesting and just dramatic enough to capture my attention. And so when she stuttered past your relationship with her, I was stunned. Well, not really, I was just BRUTALLY, SHIT STUNNED. And it was at that moment, that the word ”lackadaisical” fell of out any thought I could henceforth have in relation to you. I genuinely think I was more excited by the silage of you (by this I mean, the scent of your individual manhood, the inkling into what you could be) than I’m man enough to admit and, in my feminine grace, have had to be a man about it. Now I am not PARTICULARLY sure that you find solace in her bosom but, the evidence is just solid enough for it to matter, and considering the little I know of you, I may be stretching it. It? Wtf is IT? I don’t even know what is there to BE stretched; all I know is that it’s mighty horrid that now I can never have something that I never really did think I wanted. But that’s why it pinches so, because I think we could have made something of each other, secretly, wildly, shyly, profoundly.
I should be cross, I think I am. Not JUST at you but, her, the laws of attraction, happiness and now that I think of it, Daft Punk can fuck itself also (Discovery is a special place for me) but I digress. I shouldn’t have expected more, but I did. And even though it kinda does hurt, I think I still do.